Family

So let's say this week has sucked big time when it comes to family. I asked my sister Melissa to be tristans godmother but then when I switched churches the priest said that both parents had to be confirmed so I assumed then the other church was the same. Then i switched back to the first church and you know i figured it was the same standards so I asked my foster sister Molly and her brother Mike to be the godparents. Well the other day melissa called me screaming saying that I lied to her and I'm messed up and some swears were thrown in along the way. Anyways come to find out that at the church i went back to only one godparents had to be confirmed... So now my whole family is mad at me because I won't tell my foster siblings that I change my mind and let melissa be the godmother again. Then I applied for an apartment and they require a credit check well we passed the one to get into this apartment so I figured no big deal well come to find out my other sister Jen ran up my bill for national grid in my name to 2017 dollars so I was denied...I couldn't believe she didn't tell me that it got that high!! Anytime it was mentioned she would say it was all set but now three years later I write her about it and she says she's mad at me!!! Um hello I have the right to be mad at you you don't thane the right to be mad at me I didn't do anything wrong! I told her I was upset that she didn't tell me I can't believe it had she told me I would have just fixed it and shes all like you wouldn't have been able to fix it even if I did tell you! But here is the thing at least I would have know but still neither of them have a right to be put melissas was an honest mistake I didn't know different churches makes different requirements and jens she has no leg to stand on with that one she should have told me even if I wouldn't have been able to fix it. I'm just so annoyed with family right now I would love to move far away and not have anything to do with some of them. Now I bet that my sister Meagan is going to be mad at me because she lives with Jen and I'm sure Jen will turn around and make me look like crap! Because through this whole thing meagan has been the only one who hasnt been so rude to me she has actually kept to herself which is fine because I know that if she wanted to say something she would have already! Anyway in the end I'm just done with some people in my family because in the end I am always made out to be the bad guy when I am not..

Not getting any easier

Maybe ins wrong because the other day he said people tell him he should stand up to me... But why?? I didn't think i was like that to the point where he felt the need to "stand up" to me. We have been fighting a lot because on his days off he doesn't want anything to do with me or Tristan if he has plans but when he has nothing to do then we are good enough.at least that's how I feel. Then today I asked him to help me clean the house n he just sat there he doesn't answer me when he doesn't want to do something he ignores me instead of saying no.I just hate that and then we get in a fight over it, but I mean whodidnt see that coming. Smetimes I feel like I want to run away and never look back just me and my son thats all I need. I get to the point in this fight where I'm screaming n swearing n he said our son doesn't needto hear this it can mess him up. I said so I'm messing our son up, maybe that's why you son terrance is so messed up because today he threatened to kill someone at school. He came at me with well people tell you all the tme how wonderful I am and how I do everything for you I take care of you but I never hear you say that. I didn't respond I was so pissed off that I. Thout about what I would say and it would just kill him if I said well maybe i don't feel that way, maybe they say those things because they don't actually see you at home. But I didn't I kept my mouth shut and we haven't talked since. I just feel like i want him more then he wants me sometimes and he said I was talking about sex, no I wasn't but apparently to him I was. So I let that go too but I feel like this mirage just isn't working like it used to I have to go Tristan is crying write more later!

Just Getting Harder

Asi sit here writing this I am staring into the eyes of my little baby boy Tristan. Everyday of my life I am so thankful to have him. TristN truly makes my life complete I couldn't ask for aything more. Right now my husband and I are struggling so much with money we have to shut this off, I have a feeling next will be the Internet. Anyways like I said we have been struggling so bad and fighting because of it. I wish that I could find a job but everywhere I apply I never hear back! Then when I do I have to wait cause my sister works there so they have to see if they can hire me . Nothing is easy for us anymore and I don't know just how much more i can take.not only can I not find a job but then when i do get one I have to. Make sure I can find someone to watch Tristan, considering we cnt afford daycare. I just feel like things are never going to look up for us. I'm never going to find a job and then jay and I will end up fighting so much we split up, that's not what I want at all!!! At first I couldn't figure out why we were fighting so much over stupid things like taking care of Tristan but now I know it's cause we are struggling and annoyed about everything!!!! I think I'm stressed staying home taking care of tristan when my husband has to work fifty hours a week and then comes home to help me take care of Tristan he also does laundry well I clean the rest of the house. Somehow though i still bitch about what he does n I do, it's stupid I feel so guilty when I fight with him. I think I'm going to write him an I'm sorry letter and tell him how mu h i appreciate him and everything he does for me.

Frusterated

These past days have been hard on me, I'm not exactly sure why though. Jason has had this week off from work, now don't get me wrong I love him so much, but I am ready for him to go back to work! I feel like we have done nothing but fight,fight,fight since he has been home. It has mostly been stupid things,like getting up with Tristan and getting things for one another. I could talk to him in the calmest voice and ask him to get something for me and he breaks out into I do everything for you, why can't you do something for me crap. We have even been fighting over if Tristan should be circumcsized, I say yes because i believe in it and really want him to have it done but Jason says no he will be nine months he will be in a lot of pain it's wrong to do that to me. I try to tell him Tristan won't remember it at all being so young! It's just a never ending fight with him and I hate it, but I know that when the time comes Tristan will get it done. We fight over being lazy!! Not even kidding we fight over who has gotten what for each other, he always says he does everything for me and yes some days I tell him he does but today NO! He has done nothing for me and it is so aggervaiting when he complains about it. Also today he said he was tried and wanted to go to bed, this is at 8pm, so I said what ever Jay go to bed I don't care, he's like I feel like I can't because I don't have your permission and you'll get pissed off. I said no just go!!! Then he goes to bed and when I go to send HIS kids to bed Alex said dad said he would watch a movie with me I said sorry he went to bed, then I woke Jason up and said Alex is very disappointed you didn't watch a movie with hi, AND if you were going to sleep all frigid night then why didn't you just get the kids tomorrow like I asked so I could have hung out with my brother and his boyfriend!! Ugh I am so frustrated and pissed off at him because all we have done is fight for the past week and I'm telling you if this keeps up then we are going to be divorced by next year! Then he gets pissed cause I'm watching a movie and he asked me to get him a drink I said can't you get it, he got pissed again said he does everything for me so I wanted to say you wipe my ass too, but didn't cause I'm not in the mood to fight so instead said maybe I'll stay at my moms tomorrow night with Tristan. I truly feel like we need a break from each other, I mean we fight when he is at work too how bad Is that!!! I'm just starting to get fed up with everything fighting over Tristan, who does what,who does more from whom, I'm just over it! I just hope tomorrow goes better so i don't have to sleep out!!

Tristan

Today we took Tristan on his second adventure! The first we went to see a cave and the second one today we took him to see a waterfall. I can't believe how big he is getting, he is already ten weeks old. Anyways we bundled him in his snow suit and we went for the hike to the waterfall, the whole time he just looked at the trees above us. When I went to take a picture of him he just giggled and i love love it!!! Basically we have discovered that Tristan loves being outside!!!!!

I can't seem to get over how big Tristan is. Right now as I write this he is sleeping across me. I look at him and I feel like I just had him yesterday, but you can see just how much he has changed in his face and everything. I love to watch my Husband interact with Tristan, he coos and at him And talks to him all the time. I just look at the two of them and they are my whole world. Before I had Tristan I never understood when people said they can't imagine life without their children, I always mentioned umm you did fine lol, but now that he is here I find myself saying that all the time. I just can't picture or imagine or want to live my life without him. I will be honest I get worried all the time that something bad is going to happen to him. In the car I check on him a million times even even at home when he is sleeping or anything I check to make sure he is breathing! Well I'm going to go. And snuggle my baby boy!